oh no, i'm in my 30s

When I made the decision to finally stop and start my trek back down to the inn, it was almost 5pm. I still have enough energy to drag myself further uphill but even if I reach my goal for what may seem to be 30 minutes or an hour more, I have to remind myself that the sun will also set soon and it would be risky to walk at dusk in a place where there are no lamp posts. Like General Wainwright, I took my photos at Battery Geary, my last stand, and headed downhill. 

Back at the inn, I wondered what it would have been like to have pushed myself an extra mile more just to reach the Spanish Lighthouse. In symbolical terms, there I was, faced with an issue of pride and surrender - I had chosen the choice most logical, under my circumstance, and added the Spanish Lighthouse to my cart of something that I can “conquer” on another day.

Since I took this trip alone, obviously, it’s my escapist self in motion. Have you ever told yourself that you’d like to go somewhere far away where no one knows you? I proudly scratched that item out on my “100 things to do before I die list,” along with “take a really long and hard walk by myself.” Just to be clear, I wasn’t in search of myself, I simply needed time away.

Like the longest walk I have ever made in my adult life, there were dead ends, uphills, and down slopes - there’s nothing wrong about turning back to get on the right path and somehow, still don’t achieve the intended goal. That’s life! There are things you can’t push just because you want to. In the end, it’s not the destination but the journey. Imagine, I had walked uphill and alone for that length and time - sweet! So yeah, at the safety of my hotel room, I lounged on the bed and gave myself a big smile for achievement. It may be small to some people but it meant a lot to me. How many people actually can forgo pride in exchange for a humble but victorious defeat? 

I know when to quit. It’s nothing to be ashamed of and the cost of pride may hurt but I think of it as something that wasn’t meant to be. I had lived too long as other people’s momentary happiness at the expense of mine, this was giving back to myself - for three short days, I was free to do what I want and forget the world.